So, here I am, it's 12:40 am and I can't sleep. I feel I should, as a blogger, capture the crap times leading up to my op as well as the good times. Well, that's what it's all about surely? For anyone else reading who has been through/is going through similar, I want them to know that it's not all roses and "Oooh not long now :-)" thoughts. Sometimes it's pretty damn sh*t! Take tonight for instance... I have been fine, I came home from work (which is going pretty crap at the moment...Staring down the barrel of a loaded redundancy gun but that's a different story!) to my lovely family, had some great news concerning Mum and the buying of her new house, (should be complete within the next few weeks), had tea, sent my boy off to Cadets for the evening, watched a bit of telly and that was it really. No major dramas, nothing to write home about...so bed time came and oh my word, if I didn't know better I would say someone had slipped a "Wide Awake And Have Crappy Thoughts" pill in my brew!
Let me put it bluntly, I am terrified of what I am facing in 4 weeks! I hate the way I'm feeling about it... I hate the way I'm feeling about feeling about it! I have absolutely no doubt that what I am doing is absolutely the right thing for me at this time, so why am I so damn scared? I'll tell you...
I'm scared that the thing I am trying to protect myself against may have already developed. I'm 37 and have been so damn lucky to get this far in life without having been gripped by it already that I think, "Maybe it's started now?!" And what will happen if it has? How will it affect the reconstruction, would I still have to have treatment? God, writing it down it seems ludicrous, so at least I did the right thing taking to my blog, as now I can lock that thought in the box and try and forget about it.
I'm also scared of how it will affect my relationship with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend is extremely supportive and 100% behind me in my decision, and I love him with all my heart, I'm just scared of how I'm going to feel after. Some people reading this might think, "Why are you putting this out there for the whole world to see?". Simple. I want other people going through what I am, who may be feeling like I am, to see that they are not on their own, and that maybe, just maybe, being scared of how this massive change will affect us, aesthetically and psychologically, is quite possibly, perfectly normal! No doubt if I was to be assessed by a Psychologist at this moment in time, they wouldn't let a scalpel wielding surgeon anywhere near me! But I would have to argue that no matter how much I need and want this surgery, I wouldn't be human if I didn't experience moments like this leading up to it! So there!
If I'm honest I have felt like this for the last couple of nights. It's when I get into bed... these thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks, then my eyes start to prick, then I cry, and try and hold it in. Then I get angry with myself because I can't sleep, then I'm tired the next night and it starts all over again. I think I just need a good nights sleep.
If any of you reading this have had similar feelings I would love to hear from you.
I apologise that this hasn't been an upbeat read, but sometimes, this whole thing isn't upbeat...But...Tomorrows another day.
Night Night, and thank you for reading, and as always, I welcome all your comments.